Post V-day fantasy

My man thinks that red rose are nice, very symbolic love. So most of the time when he get me roses, it will be red, a stalk or a bouquet.

But he wont know I love white... white roses... last time white, because of it's pure & innocent, now white because of the state of my mind...

I know many will jump at me, for not appreciative... expecting too much... pessimistic... but this is just the state of my mind now...

Nevertheless I'll still like the red roses or whatever flowers he gave me. I am still very thankful, happy for all that he can do for me... and yes, I shall bestow him with kudos.

But he dont visit my site... no worries as the public has bestow him more glory...

My fil saw that bouquet of roses yesterday...
all the ladies in my office gave me their envious eyes...
set some guys in my office thinking, I am such a blessful woman, the hubby is so lovely...
some start soul searching, should I get my wifey one tonight?
some are cynic, must be doing some guilt...

p/s: can somebody tell me how to remove the frame on the pix I have posted, huh?

Love me

Last night after dinner at mum's place, as usual the girls were tire, refuse to walk on their own and want to be carried. On the way home, I was struggling with the "barang barang" and Clarabelle while the handfree daddy helding Abella had walked far but turned back, saw me struggling, offered "Aiyah... let me carry these things..." then explained to the girls " See, daddy love mummy, so daddy carry things for mummy. Next time both of you must carry for daddy mummy also..."

On another side, I was making face then Clarabelle asked, " Mummy why? "

Oops... :p "Eh... on lar... mummy is tire, do u want to come down and walk on your own? " Clarabelle protested "No..."

This is how my hubby love me... but what's when after dinner, I was hoping to quickly help my mum to clear the dinner table, mop the floor as full of rice n veggie stained and cut some fruits but the girls were cranky and very sticky refusing me to do other things but accompany them poo poo, she she, wash hand and pestering want to be carried, want to go home sleep...

Where is the daddy? No where but busying with the xbox!!!

I was very stressed up as was hoping to help mum finished chores quickly (though mum always ask me to leave it to her) so can go home earlier, then the children can sleep earlier, wont be cranky the next day and I still have to do some essential chores, prepare the children next day bag , if finish earlier, I can sleep earlier too... ... ... everythings have to race with time!

Alright, I can understand he had a tire n busy day, need to chill down but who dont? My mum dont? I dont?

Then after accompany us home, he will leave us again to "so-call" park the car, then chat with friends and puffing...

Alright, I can understand he needs to catch up with friends but who dont? I dont?

I wont want to continue ranting as at time, he does take care of the children & do the house chores and miscellanous , I appreciate very much...

But what I deep felt inside, what is love?
Sweetness in the heart... smile in the eyes... revitalizing voice... snuggle hug...

Oh... I longed to fall in love again...

因为在乎，所以要求 。。。

有个女人经常发短讯给他 。 。 。女孩要求他 ，劝告那女人不要再传短讯给他了，他说女孩无理取闹 ，不信任他 。 。 。

他工作忙碌 ，难得空暇 ，却找朋友 ，女孩要求他 多点陪她 ，他说她占有欲强 ，让他无法呼吸 。 。 。

他不注意健康 ，抽烟喝酒 ，女孩要求他 , 少抽少喝 ，他说她局束他 ，当他是小孩 。 。 。

他好高骛远 ，女孩劝他要脚踏实地 ， 他嫌她罗索 ， 少来烦他 。 。 。

可悲的女孩 ，心冷了 。 。 。 放弃了。 。 。

他 ， 后悔了吗？ 无所谓 。 。 。 因为她不在乎了。

爱情是会风化的

我想我是该接受爱情以离我而远去了 。。。

Simple complex

Simple complex mean looks complex but actually is simple and vice versa, Complex simple mean looks simple but actually is complex. However,

simple complex = complex simple

So it really depends on which factor you choose to take out. If you strike off complex, things become simplified but if you choose to strike off simple, things get complicated.

I think this is useful formulae to apply in life.

Get it? No? Dont think too complicated lah! Hahaha :q

Is such hard...

It has been a week, after reading sesame's post about is it so hard to天长地久.
It's such hard... for me to put down my thoughts in words (that explain why it has been a week).
It's such hard... for me to consolidate my thoughts and put the comments in few lines only.

How I wish my thoughts can be like computer data, can be defrag & compact... most probably I will be able to get on with a happier & lighter foot step also, just like the pc, will respond faster after defrag & compact.

Moving on... To a Better Person

I had a quarrel with the hubby this morning, again... ... ... why again? I think we just quarrelled not long ago.

am I going through an mid-life crisis? I really dont like this me. One minute I am feeling secure and then next, insecure. I really cannot figure out why and I really hate going through the same emotions and questions over and over again!

But one changes I see in myself is, I get over faster this time. Usually I will brood over for whole day, sometimes over the weekend. Im happy to see me improving, though internally i still struggling.

I gonna pen down my feeling here and free myself, for I want to move on, moving on to a better person

This morning the hubby wore a new shirt which I have not seen before...

me: When you have this shirt?

hubby: It has been hanging on the rack for weeks, you didnt see meh?

me: No, but where does this shirt come from?

Hubby thought can avoid my question by diverting to ask me does he look nice on the shirt but I repeated my question again...
hubby: I went shopping with KA (his buddy and is the one I hated most ! ) during lunch.

Actually this " New shirt " shdnt triggle any crisis just that... I felt so jealous! He proclaim that he is so busy at work that now I seldom receive his calls or msg during office hrs... I dont call him also as he seldom pick up and if he does is always..."Im in the meeting" " Im in the midst of discussion" "Im driving" and hang up... he seldom initiate to fetch me for lunch... but I know he will drive to pick up frens for lunch... last time the excuse was my ofc too far... now though my ofc is nearer to his, I dont deny we ever lunch together but once only for one whole year??! I know there will be frens come telling me their hubby dont bother at all... I shd feel fortunate but still...

He proclaim he is so busy but he can affort time with frens for coffee... puffing... but no time to say hi to me

I was angry when he, instead of acknowledge my feeling, reprimand me saying he has the right to lunch with anybody! (In my heart I was thinking, yes lunch with all your frens and nver me and I wont hope for it either!) Anger must have gotta me mad, I start to pick up silly things like reprimand him for not telling me when he went shopping why I am not aware he bought new clothings... stupid! make myself silly again and giving him chance to accuse my character again!

I do have some content of suspicion the shirt is from maybe some female "admirer" nevertheless I shdnt mistrust him or making wild guess but...

He say I hv no trust in him again...

I used to be an sweety innocent gf who will trust the bf 100% but not today where I have seen so many cases of unfaithful "good" man caught me surprise...

Yah, why I hate that buddy of my hubby so much, I dono now but he used to be one of those type and have a weird mentality of relationship. He is the kind who can have many relationships at a time without feeling guilt. He is the one who asked my hubby to go clubbing and let the pregnant me stay alone at home! He is the one who dont wear the wedding ring and say ring shd wear in the heart, YOUR FOOT! Now he is lucky enough to find a good decent wife who I sincerely think that he dont deserved but shd be surrounded by women whom ultimately will ditched him and hurt him! I know Im childish saying this but... I hate him more for causing me say such silly things! I hope I will hate him lesser as afterall he is nobody to me.

... ... see whole day gone and not a sound from the hubby

无法释怀。。。

我以为已经释放了自己，一身轻，要从新上路，可是不管我怎么扑拍翅膀都无法高扬。。。 原来心中还有一把枷锁，无法释怀。。。

金刚身 。铁石心

当我以为自己以练成“金刚身”，对他的一言一举，可以是百侵不入 。
但原来我还是不堪一击 。看来要多练一门“铁石心”，因为心是最脆落，
最容易被伤害的 。。。

Fleeting moments...

During the weekend, I love taking photo of my girls. I hope I can capture all their remarkable, yet fleeting moments... Something I'll hate to see my girls grow and will be sad when the day come that they will have to expand their wing, get ready to fly.

Dono this is a blessing or not, singapore is so small, we are always staying very near to our parents, til today Im so "grown up" I am still not willing to be separated from my parents. Whereas in other countries, the states are so big, due to the distance, most of the children have to move out and stay near the college and even further, crossing the boundary, when they are finding jobs, to wherever places offering better carreer opportunity.

As our govn has been advocating sporean to venture overseas, I can see that it is inevitable for our children to be goer in future...

A Wakening Fall

I had a big fall last sunday mid-night...

1.30am the hubby finally came back from his car wash, thought that I had slept, he was very careful not to create much noise. For so long, he never realise his wife can only sound asleep when the husband is safe back home. Anyway after patting the girls to sleep, I dosed off while watching my girls' video clips... Abella had a stuffy nose so I thought of getting her the vick to apply. When I stepped down the bed, the next moment, I slipped with both elbows & knees fell hard on the floor. I was in pain but wont dare to groan afraid might alert the children. It was the vcam that slipped off my hand fell, alerted the hubby in the bath room. He came out asking me what happened and wanted to lift me up. I stopped him as afraid I might had a fracture. He was laughing away how could I have fall and wont stop even I warned him not to tease his pathetic wife... I decided to ignore him.

I am alright now, just some bruises on the elbows and knees. I think at that time why I felt so miserably pain, most probably becos the pain is from my heart, the most prone to injury organ in human body. It has been aching...

Sometime ago we had been quarrelling often about him spending lesser time with me. More mad when after I had voiced it out and his replied was " You are too possesive! Even if I spend 1 day 24 hrs with you, you will never satisfied!! " and more lesser time with us (me & children). I was very depressed then... itch to dissolve the marriage. Sensibly I did not but I divert my focus for him all to my children, parents, sibling, friends and work, anything and nothing for him.

However even with the mind setting, I am still suffering from depression. I had a very hard time finding back my identity... afterall I am not a aggressive woman... I am just a little woman who constantly wish to be loved, needed and being put at the center of a man's heart... having too much accumulated rancor, I begin to hate my husband... I hate him for breaking his promised... my promising happiness... I became very grudge as keep dwelling over the many why ? ? ? and none was make clear....

Today those many pieces of my puzzle start to fall into place, I begin to catch glimpses of what marriage and infact what life is about : ]

Warming up my engine...

I have been feeling breathless lately... very busy, so busy and yet nothing has been done! Dono actually busy with what! How can I continue on like this! Forcing myself to crank the engine... and it is now warming up! Recollecting my thought...
1. The girls turning 2 soon... goto hv more constructive learning. Cannot just everyday mess the house, doodling, slumber party, small eye meet small eye and start westling.
2. Yes, I am 32 but that doesnt mean I hv to become "auntie". 1st of all must shred off those pounds of fats that have been hugging on me for 21mos. I must regain back my 45kg slender!
3. Hush Hush Hush ! Let go!

Ok! Now my engine has started. My life was in a mess. The girls, the maid, my work and... that man in my house. I feel so lost, dono what to do. Everythings like not progressing, not appropriate. I am hoping the man will be supportive and invole more in the family but what he concern is only own thing, that is work! Isnt the family also cat under his thing?!!! Anyway Im not going to argue and fume with him anymore. This is wasting my time! I just have to be happier and depend on own and move on!

Bye 2005... Hello 2006!

Times fly... a fresh page of 2006 calander. No time to look back, it's a brand new year again! Retrospecting 2005... nothing much notable... except for the deep grief we felt for my lost MIL in september. The others are struggle, struggle and struggling. Especially towards the year end where we just change a new maid and my mother is not in town to help (she and my daddy went Hainan for vacation!). Hubby had took am leave and I took pm leave to take turns train the new maid. What worst was my car was hit by a Big truck on tuesday, after the christmas holiday, while I was on my way to work. Though it blessed I was not hurt but mentally definately I need more time to recover...
Finally everyone have reinstate their role and duty... My parents are back from holiday, my twin cousin are back from HK too... the new maid is picking up... the children are adapting with the new maid... phew!
Gota to recollect the children progress... I have miss out alots but... Now my working environment are more stringent... very diff to blog : (